Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”