I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.