*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.