“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.