landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
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Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
My background check bounced.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.