Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
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Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.