Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
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[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.