One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
You Might Also Like
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I don’t get marriage
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
🤣🤣
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*