“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
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[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”