SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
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If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.