I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
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If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE