i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?