As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
