Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.