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Page of lloydrang's best tweets

@lloydrang : Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that's personal. You're hired.

@lloydrang: Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

@lloydrang: "Love me do" is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

@lloydrang: "I really thought by now we'd all have robots," he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world's knowledge.

@lloydrang: People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say "Oh, look, a dead bird," and you look UP, we take your phone away

@lloydrang: I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

@lloydrang: Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

@lloydrang: The New York Post publishes rumours about Dwayne Johnson. He sues for defamation and wins.

Rock beats paper.

And the crowd goes wild.

@lloydrang: 1970s: "Hey baby"
1990s: "Hey babe"
2014: "Hey bae"
2020: "Hey b"
2030: "All hail our glorious squirrel overlords"

@lloydrang: Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%