Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think