*jazz hands*
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frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Me too door. Me too.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth