How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.