I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.