My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters