The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.