Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
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A Short Story.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
*weighs self after shaving
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s