*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
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Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Sunday
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.