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when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
sry
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.