That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.