I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
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My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Sunday
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.