Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.