*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
You Might Also Like
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Who’s ready for Friday?!
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
S M O L
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.