I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.