Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.