Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
You Might Also Like
I like donuts.
Twitter:
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.