Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
You Might Also Like
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what