Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
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We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast