It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
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“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.