I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.