As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.