The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.