Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”