People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.