[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.