When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.