One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.