That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy