You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.