Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.