I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!