Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.