Not even remotely sorry.
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Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’