Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
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*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day