Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
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Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Whoa 😂
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her